Let's talk about doubt...

Doubt. Uncertainty. Indecision.
Oh the joys of starting your second year in practice. I've been doing a lot of reflecting on the past year. I recently hit the 1 year mark in my current position and I've been making personal/professional goals for myself over the past week. Becoming more sure of myself is at the top of the list. It's a frustrating experience to not be sure of yourself 100% of the time. My poor brain is like a slowly operating hard drive-the information is there but I'll be damned if I can't pull the information quick enough. Never am I more unsure of my decisions than with more complicated cases. For obvious reasons I can't share information but one of my most favorite thorns in my side is primary care. All of you primary care providers have my appreciation (and my sympathy!) How in the world you deal with some of the issues I've seen lately day in and day out I will never know.

And before I forget...
Happy National Midwifery Week to all my fellow midwives! Hope you'll take some time out to celebrate how awesome you all are!

The black cloud...

Sometimes being a midwife sucks. Horribly. Total disclosure-I've not been this discouraged in quite some time. My strength is also my weakness; I bond with these women and their families and I take on their disappointments as my own. Now the rational side of me already knows that pregnancy almost never goes exactly the way we want it to. But I can't help but feel like I have a black cloud hanging over me that is preventing these women from having the experiences they dream about. It's making me doubt myself, my choices. I hate feeling this way and I'm not quite sure how to change it.
The one thing I am certain of is that I need something good and positive to happen. I need to see and feel the light and the love of a mom holding her baby for the first time, completely content and overjoyed that she made the right choice when she chose a midwife. I need something good to shake whatever this is hanging over me because right now I don't feel like much of a midwife. And frankly, it sucks.

One year and counting...

I made it! I survived my first year as a midwife. It's definitely been an interesting ride. I never expected to be where I am and I count myself fortunate because this has been the best job for me as a new grad. I've had the opportunity to ease into things and I feel like I've had lots of support. It hasn't come without its fair share of frustrations. I feel like I've got some bad mojo following me. I definitely would not call myself a failure but it sucks when things don't go like you want them to go. Not that anything bad has happened but its nice when this perfectionist gets things to go perfectly. That in itself though is my problem because when it comes to birth, things don't always go perfectly. Maybe that's the lesson I was meant to learn this first year.

A letter to my younger self

This week I've been doing a lot of reflecting. As you may have heard by now I'm going to be appearing on Oprah's life class next Sunday. As I was sitting there watching the taping this thought came to me--I wish I could have seen this moment when I was younger. So I thought I'd write that young girl a letter...
My dear, sweet troubled girl, with the weight of the world on your shoulders-I wish you could see us now. If only you were gifted with the power to see the future, you'd be able to see that everything turns out alright. While you quietly cry in your room, listening to the gun shots ring through the night,  wondering how God himself must hate you because you had the unfortunate turn of events to be born to a parent that failed miserably at loving you, that you would not only find love but be able to see it every day when you walk into a room and your little boy's eyes light up. How I wish you knew that every idiot that told you you'd never amount to anything would be proven wrong each time you walked across the stage in your cap and gown, a new accomplishment under your belt. Remember those dreams and essays you used to write about doing good in the world through medicine? Turns out we were right all along. That love and passion for helping others never goes away. We take a much different path but end up finding the most perfect and rewarding career you could ask for. And yes we get to deliver babies! As much as you contemplated ending your life, I'm glad you didn't. Because you would have missed out on the beauty of the world around you. At age 31 you finally got to see the Rockies, and the beach in California...you've crossed this country multiple times chasing the sun and the moon. And the fun has only just started. I wish you knew that while you were dreaming of a different, more perfect life, you would finally come to know true happiness. And it isn't in just one thing. It's everywhere. You'll learn to love, and trust, and believe in yourself again. The tears will stop and your trademark smile will come back. You'll learn to accept what is and your joy will return. I know it's tough now. Some days you wish your eyes would never open again. But hang in there. That light at the end of the tunnel is not a train barreling down on you. It's the hope and dreams that keep you here. It's the life you've only ever dreamed about and its waiting to embrace you. Keep going because when you get there, trust me...its more than even you could have ever imagined.

Catching up on my random thoughts

I've said it before and I'll say it again...kudos to those of you who start new practices on your own because it is certainly a challenge. I'm grateful for all the wonderful people involved because it is truly taking a village. So our practice has been open 3 months now and though we have had some fun patients we are hoping for more...a lot more. We haven't had any practice babies yet but we're getting closer. For those of you asking, yes, this is still the best job in the world and still the best decision I've ever made. I think like any job there are moments of happiness and satisfaction and moments of pure frustration. This weeks woohoo moment if you will-getting an ultrasound picture that is distinguishable and doing it on my own. Now for some people this will mean nothing and not seem exciting at all. But prior to starting this job I've not done many ultrasounds where I actually knew what I was doing. It's funny but I actually have a list of things that I wanted to accomplish or be good at for my first year as a midwife and ultrasound was one of those things. It's the little things in life like checking items off your to-do list that make this newbie midwife happy! Next item on the list is a focus on more natural methods for common issues women face like infertility or hormonal issues. There seems to be a huge following of women who are interested in homeopathy and I think its great to have that knowledge available, especially with trying to build a  new practice.

I haven't been good at keeping up with this blog but honestly my life has settled down since moving to Idaho. I am doing a lot of the writing/blogging for our clinic so if you ever have a chance to read that blog I encourage you to do so. A lot of my topics there come from conversations I have with other women or interesting topics that come up in the news. I'm making a more conscious effort to blog about things that are interesting to the female population in my new community. What was most talked about on the east coast doesn't always interest women here, so I'm having a lot of fun doing some informal research on patients or women that I meet out and about. Otherwise life is good. I love this area of the US and its nice to have a fresh start and be hundreds of miles away from the drama that seemed to overwhelm me at times.

Anyway thanks for reading and sticking around. I do have some exciting things coming soon that I can't wait to share with everyone once plans are in place. So stay tuned!

Speechless...with gratitude

Ok I admit it. I'm waiting for something bad to happen. I really shouldn't be so negative but I'm feeling like its a crime to be this happy. Maybe happy isn't the right word to describe how I'm feeling but its the only thing I can think to write. Here was my day today-had some frustrating moments, saw my first patient, had a celebratory drink with my wonderful co-workers, and came home...and had a moment. It finally hit me. I'm somebody's provider. Someone's midwife.
Wow.
I battled my nerves and made it through. It seems, that after so many years of heartbreak and sacrifices, I've finally reached a point in my life where I can enjoy it. And that is pretty damn awesome.

Bring it on 2014!

Wow what a year this has been for me! Some of the highlights-I celebrated a year tumor free, I graduated from grad school and fulfilled my dream of becoming  a midwife, I got my first (dream) job. Life has been pretty awesome in 2013 and I hate to see it go. My big plans for tonight are to enjoy a nice glass or 2 of champagne to celebrate and rest up because the final countdown has begun. After what seems like forever, our clinic is finally opening next Tuesday. I have a host of emotions running rampant the two biggest of course being excitement and nervousness. There hasn't been much time to focus on those emotions though.
Our poor little clinic has had its fair share of ups and downs. I'm disappointed at some of the cattiness that has gone on from some of our competitors. I've chosen to take the high road but I must say its hard. We haven't opened our doors and yet it seems as though there are people out there looking to sabotage it. It's really sad because at the end of the day, our main focus should always be on the women we serve. Adding our practice is just another option for women of our community to get the type of care they want and deserve. That someone would undermine that with gossip and malice is doing those women a disservice.
Nevertheless, we are moving forward. We're opening our doors with scheduled patients and I can't wait to see our growth over this next year. I hope you all will continue to follow me on this journey and that you're just as excited as I am for whats to come over these next 12 months. See you in 2014!