There's always one...

So today I had the pleasure of listening to someone explain to me how they don't feel that I am quite ready to move on to the next level and I really need to "up my game". After months of struggling, I'd finally gotten some of my confidence back only to have it shattered today. Right afterwards I found myself once again questioning if this is the road that I'm supposed to be on. If someone who has been in the business for years thinks that I'm not ready then who I am to question?
But the more I thought about it, the more pissed off I got. How dare this person knock another future midwife down! This has always been one of the things I don't understand about nursing...why do we treat newbies and students so horribly? If we have this great big shortage in nursing then why aren't we cultivating good nurses? What's the point of shooting them down before they've ever had their chance to make their mark on the world?
I can tell you that this chick is not taking it any more. I have so much more to learn and I will never be the perfect midwife but I know that I can be a damn good one. For nearly 30 years I've had people non-stop telling me what I can't do and what I'll never achieve and each time I rise above and prove them wrong. This time will be no different. So thanks to the naysayer today for the motivation. I can't wait to don my hood and walk across that stage and prove you wrong. :)

So much for a little R&R

Finishing last didactic term-Pure awesomeness! Deciding to take a little peek at the lessons and tutorials I need to get done before clinical bound in the next 3 weeks-EPIC FAIL! I don't know how or when I got to this point in my life where I can't sit still and do absolutely nothing when I'm supposed to be resting. Since Friday night, I've discovered that I have some "light" reading and a lot of reviewing to do to be ready to ace the dreaded physical exam and newborn checkoffs I have to do in Hyden next month. Add that to the fact that I have to learn how to suture and perform pap smears among other things and I'm officially back in panic mode. The only bright spot in all of this is that I'm looking forward to meeting the beautiful women who have been on this journey with me, especially this last term. Although the daily 8 day schedule looks crazy, I'm hoping there will be time for wine/alcoholic beverages and cheetos. I'm thinking of going to Sam's and getting one of those giant buckets of margarita mix and salt and lots of tequilla because short of zanax that is about the only thing that will calm me down.

Mush for brain

I'm going to keep this post as clean as possible because frankly, I feel like screaming out every 4 letter word I know followed by "yeah I'm done!" (the first phrase about an hour ago went something like "s*** yeah I'm done!"). Don't judge-I'm exhausted. Not just physically but emotionally as well. I started out this term in the hospital and midway through was drowning in all three of my classes. Just 4 short weeks ago I was feeling incredibly low and down on myself. Today? I know deep down that I will be a good midwife. Don't get me wrong...I still have a very long way to go to get to that point but I do have a little bit of my confidence back. For now-I'm going to tackle my typical the term is over to do list. This list is comprised of things that get put on the back burner when school is super busy and I just don't have the time. Some of the items on the list? Clean, get back to cooking and not eating out every night, exercise, shave my legs, mani/pedi, take my months delinquent library books (that I have not read) back to the library, and oh yeah sleep. I am going to just take this next week to do nothing and rest and then I will start to prepare for clinical bound. I can't wait to share that experience with you guys. But until then, get out and enjoy this beautiful fall weather! Thanks for sticking with me through this crazy journey!

Remembering 9/11

It's been 11 years since I got the urgent phone call from my mom telling me to turn on the tv the twin towers had been hit by planes. I of course took my sweet time, remembering that we had lived through the first attack some years ago and thinking that she is overreacting. Little did I know that turning on the tv would change my life forever. As I sat glued to the tv with tears streaming down my face, I remember praying as I never had before, hoping that there would be tons of survivors. As we now know however, there weren't. My heart was broken that day and to some extent still is. It's hard to imagine that there is any good left in the world after that horrific day, and yet we saw and experienced just how much good there was when we came together not just as a country but as citizens of the world. I hope that you've taken a little time out of your busy schedule to remember all the victims of 9/11 and the men and women of our armed forces who have made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom and safety.

My (non) Exciting update: Living the guilty life! :)

I have started a new post a thousand times but then I feel guilty for taking time out from reading the trillions of pages of readings and studying and I go back to it. However, I promise that in the next month or so this blog will get really exciting because come hell or high water I am going to start clinicals next month. So this will be a quick, non-exciting update. 3 weeks ago I was failing all three classes...shocking (NOT!) I know. Fast forward to today where I'm passing all 3 classes. This doesn't mean that I am completely out of the woods but I have positioned myself to do well which I am very happy about. We have 2 weeks left and I cannot wait to kiss this term goodbye! I can't for the life of me figure out why they put these 3 classes together when so many students and faculty have argued against it. But anyway...Life moves along.
Single momhood is by no means easy but it can be so rewarding. I sent my baby boy off to kindergarten this year and its been a bittersweet experience. Every time I send him off I have some random flashback from the last five years and its hard to accept how time is flying by. This past year has left me feeling like the worst mom at times because I can't do everything I want to do for him. Yes he's a pretty good, well-adjusted kid but my own personal mom guilt is a bitch! I have to admit though it has motivated me to keep it moving because I want nothing but the best for him. Besides I'm too close to being done now to quit. So I trudge on one day at a time. Thanks for sticking with me...its been a crazy journey so far but the best is yet to come! XO