Facing your past and letting it all go...

Going off topic for a minute to try and channel some of my nervous energy somewhere positive. Warning: this may be one of the most personal and forthcoming posts I've ever put out there so be warned! So here goes...
Tomorrow is something of a "big" day for me. Tomorrow I am going in search of closure on a situation that has haunted me for the past 2 years or so. Tomorrow morning I am going to come face to face with the man who murdered my ex-boyfriend and father of my son. I never thought this would be something that I would want to do or be even remotely interested in doing. But sometimes I dream about the good ole days so to speak. Those who were with me during the end of our relationship know how contentious it was and the things that were revealed that caused me immense pain and caused me to be incredibly angry. But those aren't the things that I dream about. Over the past 2 years all the good memories that we shared over a 9 year period have come back to me in bits and pieces. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night and it is all I can do to bottle up the fifty million emotions  that seem to come rushing back.
The truth is that I never knew how much it would hurt to lose someone you fell out of being in love with but never actually stopped loving. (Believe me I tried). It's even harder to try and forget him when our son at times is a miniature version of the person I fell in love with. The past 2 years have been spent thinking "what if"...what if I had tried to stick it out...what if I had tried to help him...would anything have made a difference? Would he still be alive? If I had given it a second chance would he have been a better father to our son? In reality the answers are probably "no". And even now I stand by my decisions to protect my son at all costs. This process of losing a former love would in no way compare to the grief of having lost my child to foolishness. And yet, this is still a difficult process to go through.
Which is why I made this crazy decision to face this person tomorrow. I feel as if this is the closure that I've been looking for, praying for. I need to do this one last thing and then put it all behind me. There will always be a connection there because of my little boy, but its time for me to let it all go. No more pain, no more anger, no more what should have been. The wonderful thing about preparing to turn 30 is this feeling of starting new...a fresh start so to speak. There are some things I want to close the book on so to speak over the next few months and this is the beginning of getting to the next stage in my life.

Happy Independence Day!

Happy fourth to you all! I hope you've had a stress free day and enjoyed time with your friends and family. I just spent the most relaxing week at the beach. Thanks to the staff at Ocean Creek resort in North Myrtle Beach....I forgot how important vacations are to your mental health when you are in school! It was so great just to be able to sit and read some entertaining books or just nap and not feel pressured to catch up on work or study for an exam. But alas that sweet time is over. Tomorrow starts my second term. This time around I'm 1000% less nervous than I was 13 weeks ago. Dare I say I'm even looking forward to this term. I'm studying reproductive anatomy, research, and health assessment/decision making. Most of the professors I had last term I have these next 10 weeks so I feel more prepared in terms of what to expect. It's really helpful too that the side effects from the denosimaub trial aren't as debilitating as the previous drug I took. All in all I'm ready to get started and get myself one step closer to fulfilling my dream! Look out 'cause here I come! :)