A slight bump in the road...

Well...in light of what has happened over the past 2 weeks here in the south, the phrase "don't sweat the small stuff" is resonating with me. After my last post I made myself take a few days to catch my breath so to speak. I think that the enormity of graduate school started to hit me and I started to panic, which started to affect my grades. I'm such a perfectionist that anything below my standards sets me into a panic. (Go ahead and admit what you're thinking-this chick is neurotic!) Before you judge me though let me give you a little background into my panic attack. It is the school's policy that you cannot make below an 80 on any 4 tests in the entire program. When I went to sit and take our first patho exam this of course is on my mind, which uncharacteristically initiated  a pretty extreme case of testing anxiety. I pretty much blanked. Needless to say I didn't do as well as I had hoped.This of course made me question everything.
The great thing about our program though is the support that you get from your classmates, who may be hundreds of miles away and yet know exactly what you're going through and how you're feeling. A few conversations with some of my group members brought everything into perspective and let me know that I'm not alone. I'm happy to report that last night I got the house quiet and I focused on my exam and I passed. With my average now safely intact for now, my confidence is back and I'm ready to plow ahead. I'm still very much excited about this journey and I've got my eye on the prize.

Next week I'll be speaking to a group of H.S. students about my love of midwifery and I can't wait to share that with all of you (even you wonderful people who are reading but not subscribing to my blog) :)
On a much more somber note, my heart is aching and my prayers are with those who are mourning the loss of life from this insane outbreak of weather. It hasn't gone unnoticed that if not for the grace of God, it could be me and my family. My brother came dangerously close to a monstrous tornado 2 weeks ago and thankfully the funnel clouds that have hovered over my house several times in the last couple of weeks have not done any damage. As always if any of you have the means to do so, lets give our neighbors a hand and let them know we care.

Will I ever have a life?

Well I'm into week 3 of my first term and let me tell ya...it ain't getting any easier! We were warned during orientation that things outside of our life would have to be let go in order to do well. I remember sitting at the table with some of my classmates and proudly declaring  I'm giving up facebook and tv so I can get work done. Well I did that and I still don't have enough time to get done what I need to do. I spent a day with a friend last week. I had the best time but I couldn't help but think at various intervals during the day that in the last hour I could have read this and worked on this, etc. I am secretly counting down the days til my 4 year old is back in daycare so I can devote 8 hours of my time to school work. I see people around me going out and taking vacations, renting movies. I am actually considering cancelling my rental account because I haven't watched a movie in 3 weeks. And my library books are overdue-I have no time for fun reading! Let's not even talk about sleep...I think I get about 4 hours a night, 5 if I face plant in my patho book around 3 am.
I wish I knew how people do this. It's really overwhelming and its becoming a lot more than I ever thought it would be.

Things that make you go hmm....

I'm still here! Whew! This first week has been incredibly rough. It's not so much hard as it is hard work. I tried to visualize in my head everything I knew I would have to do but its still a bit overwhelming. I'm learning to take things in stride though and just go day by day. This actually applies to my life outside of school as well.
Last week, I received a not so good report from my surgical oncologist. If you don't know, I've been diagnosed with a rare tumor that is benign but incredibly aggressive. I've had 3 previous surgeries, and started low dose chemotherapy to try and slow its growth. I was hopefully optimistic that this would work until this surgeon who I've put so much trust into dropped a bombshell on me that he thinks amputation of my lower arm is the next best step. What is the appropriate response to that statement? Is there a certain etiquette that one has to follow when you get that kind of news? I didn't know what to say. I just sat there and nodded-I imagine that my eyes glazed over when I started to tune him out. I can't help but wonder what his reaction would be if the situations were reversed. I just wanted to scream at him..."Don't you understand these hands are meant for healing? For helping to bring new life into the world? How did we get here?"
Needless to say...I want another opinion. This is not an option as far as I'm concerned.
Anyway, today my wonderful medical oncologist found a clinical trial that may be the answer to my prayers. It's all very technical but the bottom line is that there is a new drug currently being tested that goes after the mechanism that causes growth in this type of tumor. I'm trying not to get too excited but inside I am dancing for joy. And between that great news and my wonderful average in patho right now-life doesn't seem so bad anymore.

Hello Stress!!!

So today is the day...the first day of grad school courses. To say that I am overwhelmed is the biggest understatement ever. It seems like such a daunting task already! This semester I am taking theories and concepts in primary care, the role of midwifery and birth centers in america (which is really like a history of midwifery if I'm reading the syllabus right), and the biggun as I like to refer to it, pathophysiology. Now the first two aren't that bad as I am pretty sure I can read and write with a little help from the newest APA manual. But sometimes I swear I am anatomy challenged. The best I've ever done in my 3 previous anatomy classes is a B, and that didn't happen without a number of tears on my part. I'm so stressed already-I feel like I've been fending off panic attacks all day! I know that once I get into a rhythm I'll be ok but its just getting started that seems to be pretty tough for me. The bad thing is, I should be good at this! I am the woman who gave birth on Easter break and was back in nursing school 3 days later. Getting classes started, planning my almost 4 year olds birthday party on Saturday, and dealing with doctor's appointments should be a breeze.

OK...
So now that I've vented I'm going to get to work. Don't mind me...I know I can do this. For this week, I'm gonna just take it one day at a time. This is my dream and has been my dream for the last 10 + years and I am not going to let it beat me. So ready or not...here I go!